Matt Bellassai

Matt Bellassai

@@mattbellassai

Internet drunk. Writer. Actual People's Choice Award Winner. Author of EVERYTHING IS AWFUL, available everywhere now. Host of UNHAPPY HOUR the podcast.

New York City

19714 Tweets 362579 Followers 554 Followings


Matt Bellassai

*waterboarding a british person* WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A REGULAR CUP OF TEA AND A “LOVELY” CUP OF TEA

19h / 225 Retweets / 3062 Likes

Matt Bellassai

im prince harry https://t.co/vXidRwbYAp

2d / 126 Retweets / 2514 Likes

Matt Bellassai

@Harry_Styles can you confirm that you’ve slept with my book under your pillow

2d / 115 Retweets / 1294 Likes

Matt Bellassai

me: im not doing the google art thing because i don’t want the feds to have my face the fbi agent living inside my web cam: smart choice

3d / 2339 Retweets / 16913 Likes

Matt Bellassai

shout out to all the college dining halls serving some very problematic “MLK-themed” dinners tonight

5d / 180 Retweets / 2817 Likes

Matt Bellassai

when im stressed i listen to musicals, which means for the last year i’ve been one small provocation away from bursting into show tunes at any given moment

18h / 706 Retweets / 4668 Likes

Matt Bellassai

@WBJenna @eleanorkagan 🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻

20h / 0 Retweets / 3 Likes

Matt Bellassai

@fransquishco i went to a pride party two years ago wearing a long sleeve plaid shirt and jeans amidst a sea of speedos and The Gap™️ paid me NOTHING

21h / 2 Retweets / 213 Likes

Matt Bellassai

my brain: please, please give us sleep me: ok just one more 3-hour vine compilation on youtube

1w / 2587 Retweets / 12969 Likes

Matt Bellassai

realizing we’re only a week into january https://t.co/GAMoyIKpIX

realizing we’re only a week into january https://t.co/GAMoyIKpIX

1w / 2540 Retweets / 11286 Likes

Matt Bellassai

stickers of my face got sent to me by @mystickerface and i will be plastering every surface with them until my image is as prolific as Big Brother and there is no escape https://t.co/dcgs9TKvkc

stickers of my face got sent to me by @mystickerface and i will be plastering every surface with them until my image is as prolific as Big Brother and there is no escape https://t.co/dcgs9TKvkc

1w / 10 Retweets / 509 Likes

Matt Bellassai

@GemmaAnneStyles i napped for two hours cause i was tired but then i woke up even more tired than before

1w / 34 Retweets / 454 Likes

Matt Bellassai

me when i have to act like a businessperson in between my time spent as a professional fool https://t.co/VmdgYkWcCZ

me when i have to act like a businessperson in between my time spent as a professional fool https://t.co/VmdgYkWcCZ

1w / 559 Retweets / 3226 Likes

Matt Bellassai

so much has happened in the last 24 hours i dont think any of us has had time to properly reckon with this image https://t.co/y2fghD24nf

1w / 306 Retweets / 3881 Likes

Matt Bellassai

as a gay, i will be recovering from tonight’s shenanigans by angrily wrapping a scarf around my neck multiple times and broodingly sipping from a cup of chamomile tea

1w / 144 Retweets / 2994 Likes

Matt Bellassai

the golden globes are homophobic

1w / 247 Retweets / 1339 Likes

Matt Bellassai

i’ll be pensively weeping into a roaring fireplace for the remainder of this evening

1w / 146 Retweets / 952 Likes

Matt Bellassai

I JUST SCREAMED AT MY TV JUSTICE FOR TWINKITHÉE CHALAMET

1w / 394 Retweets / 2402 Likes

Matt Bellassai

Oprah is gonna start talking about corn growers in Iowa and im gonna be on a bus to muscatine tomorrow to collect signatures

1w / 494 Retweets / 5036 Likes

Matt Bellassai

Oprah could stand in the middle of 5th avenue and shoot someone and i would ask her to shoot me next

1w / 1297 Retweets / 10211 Likes

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